I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
