I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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