I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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