Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
