he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
