All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
