I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
