I'm really into asian looking animals
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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