So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
