So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
