I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
