a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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