I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
