We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
