I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
two words...techno handjob
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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