Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
