I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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