Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
