There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
