dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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