I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
