at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
