2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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