Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
