What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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