why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
