i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
