It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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