Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
