I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
