at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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