May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
