The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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