he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
