forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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