Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
