Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
