why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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