Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
