I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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