Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
