Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
