oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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