just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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