I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
