she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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