I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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