I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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