well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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