my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Randomize
