If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Welp...herpes.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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