You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
