You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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