Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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