I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
