Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
