Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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