i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
