she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
