when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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