Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
