How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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