we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
