apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
