I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
