I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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