Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
