Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
