I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize