Dude my mom stole all your condoms
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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