need another drink. this is the easiest way
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize