Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
