I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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