I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
