i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
