....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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