I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
