so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
