Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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